So as you know, I’ve been doing rather a lot of reflecting recently. yawn…
It has been painful, hard, heart-breaking, funny, interesting and a very necessary step in my journey. As I have reflected, re-read my diaries & gone over old wounds, several things have stood out for me. One of these is how selfish and self-centered I have been for much of my life. Not in an obvious, harmful to others kind of way, but it’s been there all the same. I have always thought of myself as a ‘nice’ person, who tries to do the right thing, but I know that God has been showing me so many times when I really wasn’t very nice at all, yet I couldn’t see it at the time. Even situations where I have felt that I was a ‘victim’ and was really hurt, I can now see from the other side. That has been difficult. There have been many tears.
So, it would be a very difficult task to apologise to all those I may have hurt over the years and in some cases I have lost contact. In others they would be wondering why I was apologising, or I would be opening old wounds for them too. But I feel the need to do something. So for all those I have ever hurt (intentionally or otherwise) I am sorry. Truly. I always used to say that I never regret anything, as it is wasted time. But actually now I think that’s rather arrogant. There are things I regret. not necessarily in decisions I’ve made, but more in those times when I have hurt people. Those I would change. I cannot name them all, but here’s some God has brought to my mind:
SW – sorry for listening to idle gossip about you. You are one of the nicest and most genuine people I have ever known
M&D – sorry for not respecting your property and for treating it as my own
HL – sorry for at times being a truly horrible friend, I was selfish
JW – sorry for abandoning you as a friend in such a horrible way
JN – sorry for being so unsympathetic when you needed me. I just didn’t understand
T,P,K,A & T – sorry for being a self centered cow in our relationships. I was so messed up I couldn’t see your feelings.
J – sorry for expecting what you weren’t prepared or able to give.
P – sorry for not considering your feelings. a lot. you know I love you
M – sorry it has taken me so long to come to you
A,E & P – sorry for not always seeing you as the blessings you are
I lift you all to God and ask that he will forgive me for my actions. I pray his wonderful blessings will be upon you all.
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