Ok, so the test came and went, and actually it was fine. When I posted yesterday I admit to feeling pretty low about it all and spent much of the morning praying about it and doing very little work indeed (in this case I was thankful for so few customers!). So by lunchtime I actually felt ok about it and knew that God would be with me.
So it went fine. That’s all I can say. There was no great thunderbolt and no fantastic outcome. I just calmly said what I had to say. Thing is, if I’m honest I was kind of hoping for the other party to do similar. However Other party just calmly accepted the apology and we moved on to other topics.
So I was disappointed. but I realise that actually I did what I needed to do, I forgave and apologised and that was in my control. I am not in control of everyone or everything and that’s a lesson I need to learn. I was in a place ready to move on and be open about it but Other party is maybe not, and to expect a sudden gush of love was an unrealistic expectation. I can only do what I can control, with Gods help of course :)
But… although a little disappointed I realise I have forgiven, because I did not feel irritated, hurt or annoyed by this lack of response, none of the old feelings returned and we actually enjoyed a very pleasant meal together. I realise now that although I have been examining this issue a lot recently, and I needed to in order to move on,it had become a ‘stronghold’ over me, that in my mind it had become far bigger than it really needed to be. I had accepted that was the way it was and nothing I could do about it… I am realising there are many things in my life that have and do allow the enemy in and to get a hold of me. I will seek out those things and hand them back to God with a joyful heart.
Today I thank God for creating this opportunity for me to deal with this, and giving me the courage to go ahead with it. This may not be ‘it’, I may have to forgive Other Party many more times but that’s ok, I have taken that first step.
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