Home

I like to start my day off (aka in CofE terms, the “rest day”) with a cuppa in bed and a good book. My bed is a little cocoon, a safe haven of white Egyptian cotton (yeah ok, I know, how middle class that sounds but they feel so nice!) and the faithful electric blanket whacked up to thermal nuclear setting. 

This morning the curtains are pulled tight, the household at school or work, and the rain is lashing down outside. Aside from the drops thrown against the window, it’s quiet. A rare moment in my life – I tend to describe myself as an extrovert but I think ministry is making me more introverted as time goes on, craving this quiet and cocooned luxury once in a while.

This posh cotton cocoon is a picture of home.

It’s just me and God (& if I’m honest, the occasional peruse of Twitter). It’s safe, quiet, warm, comfortable, undisturbed, it’s my space. So why am I describing it all then? Well, because I’ve spent quite a lot of time here in this cocoon recently, in anxiety. I’ve never been one who worries that much, not an anxious type and ashamed to say, not had much sympathy for it either. I’ve been happy to go where God leads, trusting in God’s plans, knowing ministry would bring change and sacrifice, but the last few months have been an unsettled rollercoaster of emotion. As my curacy draws to its conclusion, there have been many questions about what follows. 

What next? 

Where to? 

Am I ready to lead a church of my own? 

Do I even want to? 

Am I really worthy of this?

I’ve attempted to seek God in it all and for months on end been simply blinded by confusion and anxiety. 

I’ve felt under spiritual attack constantly. 

I’ve felt every fibre of my identity being challenged and questioned.

But last night brought a glimmer of clarity during a moment of worship – it struck me that the real crux of all this, is actually the question of:

where is home?

It sounds so simple but it was one of those light bulb moments where I realised that deep in the heart of all this worry, fear, anxiety, and confusion was the question of where is my home? Where will my home ever be?

I don’t know what home means to you but for me homeis a word that evokes safety, warmth, family, a place where I am known and loved and yes Egyptian cotton sheets and an electric blanket… 

After 3 years here in my curacy, I feel like I am only just starting to really feel at home, friendships just starting to grow deeper, just starting to know where I feel safe,  safe enough to truly open up to all I am; and plus, we’ve only just decorated the downstairs loo…

Last night’s question both challenged me and soothed me. 

Challenged in that, this is ministry, so when will I ever feel truly at home again? 

How many moves will we make? 

How many times will we start this whole process over again? 

How many times will I traverse the rickety bridge of revealing who I am? 

How many times will I trust, let go, be hurt, deal with the pain of lost friendship, feel the loneliness? 

And soothed also as we sang:

‘I choose to lose my life Lord,

and find it in you’

In that line, God gave me a picture of running into his arms feeling like running home. Running into a safe warm, cocoon of love. A place that will always be home no matter where I find myself.

The ministry life is often transient and I know church leaders who have moved many times. Really I am just at the beginning of that journey, and it’s looking likely we might not have to consider moving for a little while longer, but I wanted to share this post for anyone else considering a ministry move, a role change, a house move, school move, impact on the wider family, loss of friendships, a change of home. And especially for those finishing ministerial training and going to a first post, and fellow curates having those conversations about what next and considering the future. 

So, today as we give our lives as an offering, I wanted to encourage us all to focus on that picture of home being in the arms of Jesus, safe, warm, held, loved, secure, unchanging, comforted, held.

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Writing this I was reminded of Jo Swinney’s book ‘Home’ – there’s a review here if you want to know more… and the beautiful song ‘My Life is an Offering’ is here…