Ups and Downs…

So, the last month I have been ill on and off, or recovering. Firstly from tonsilitis and then from a further (although apparently unrelated) throat infection. Not only has this made me feel frankly, crap, but has also curtailed much of my usual activity.

I have been pretty fed up and grumpy about all of this. I am not gracious in illness. You know people talk about those they have met with awful illnesses, or debilitating pain who just get on with life and are always positive? yes, well not me. Me, I hate being ill. I am not good at it, I just want to get on with stuff which then finds me not recovering because I am not resting. Over the last 3 years I have written quite a lot about being diagnosed with CFS (Chronic Fatigue) which Praise God has been under control for at least a year and I continue to feel more well each week that goes by. So it is even more frustrating to then be floored again by a silly bug. and thats 2 sillys bugs. GP says I am unlucky. hmph, some comfort… (especially when I had to miss the cnmac12 conference yesterday…)

So, my life is fairly finely tuned. It has to be, so that I know I don’t floor myself by doing too much. I also have to juggle the needs of my husband and 3 kids with working 2 or 3 days a week. Although let me say, I am not complaining, I love all of those things and the juggle is fine, that’s how we make it work, whilst still allowing for some me time, prayer time and running. BUT, it is all rather finely tuned. And being ill really throws a spanner in the works. My husband is lovely and so supportive and totallty steps into the breach, but I am sure I am not alone in having a husband who doesn’t quite have the same level of cleaning/cooking/what-the-kids-are-doing knowledge as I do… So things do get missed, favours must be asked to do school runs, work must be put to one side and so on.

So just as I was catching up on the backlog from the tonsilitis, I get ill again. grrr…. and now as I actually start to feel almost normal again, and can swallow more than ice cream or mashed banana (and by the way can someone please invent a hot toddy drink ala Beechams & co, that doesn’t make you want to hurl? I mean really, if you don’t feel bad enough already then you try and swallow that…. yikes…) …I have come out of the haze and seen the chaos around me. So what do I do? yes that’s right I sit at my laptop and ignore it all… ;)

But as always my wonderful heavenly Father has been there through it all. There have been moments of irritation (anger? no,no… just extreme irritation!) why am I ill? again? haven’t I had enough of that in the last few years?… to boredom – seriously is day time telly really that bad? my saving grace being Great British Bake off on the iplayer – have watched the entire series twice now… to joy – just moments of prayer time (interrupted only by dropping off in the middle – I’m sure He understands) with real clarity of thought and amazing input from God… and a sense of continual revising of my life, readdressing the things I do, really asking myself if I am doing what He has laid out for me. I think for someone like me who does have everyting scheduled to a T (BTW I didn’t use to be like this – I was once a free spirit who did what she liked and lived a rather hap hazard but joyful life..!) it is only in these moments of forced rest that revelations can appear. I mean it’s not that I don’t have enough prayer time, but I just wonder if in that prolonged, ongoing space, in which I couldn’t do anything other than sleep or pray, that the prayer became one long ongoing prayer….or conversation. I am still annoyed at having been ill but I seem to have come out the otherside reaffirmed in what I am doing and when. I guess it’s a bit like being on a retreat but less enjoyable… the illness retreat, you feel like utter crap but hey God really speaks to you..;)

I don’t know if this is making any sense and to be honest in my infected state I’m not sure many of my prayers made sense either… and just in case I am still delirious I shall wander off for another dose of paracetamol-laden-brew…